For the first time there are more single Canadian adults than married Canadians. Canadians are also working longer hours, and spending less time with their families and the families they have are less likely to be the traditional nuclear family. The number of married couples without children also outnumbered married couples with children for the first time.

These research finding comes from Vanier Institute of the Family. The report is called ‘Families Count – Profiling Canada’s Families IV’. See the news report.

Other distrubing trends include: Married-with-children families now represent 39 per cent of families, compared to 55 per cent in 1981. Common-law families are the fastest-growing family type in Canada, from 5.6 per of families in 1981 to 15.5 per cent in 2006. Two decades ago, 81 per cent of children under the age of 15 lived with legally married parents, but in 2006, only 66 per cent of children under 15 did.

New economic realities has its impact as well: Families are responding by working more. Men are working longer hours, up to 8.8 a day in 2005 compared to 8.2 hours in 1986. That extra work is coming at the expense of the family, with men now spending 3.4 hours a day with family, compared to 4.2 hours in 1986. Women are now more likely to be the breadwinner in a two-parent family, with 28 per cent being the primary earner in their family.

More elders to care for. More young people choosing to cohabitating, not having children, pain of divorce culture, gay lifestyle etc are sure destablize society at large. It has happened in rest of the Western society and Canada will not be able withstand the downward spiral of societal decay.

If you have known young children or teens who come from a broken home you know this well. But have you wondered why does divorce cause so much strain and long-term distress for children of all ages? What made really interesting was Andrew is a a child of divorce himself and comes with years of youth ministry. Also, this goes beyond quick fixes and pop psychology to get to the root of it. It contains good theological wisdom and ontological pain of divorce with the redemptive power of Christ.

Author explains that divorce causes children to question their core identity. Since a child is the product of the union of a mother and father, when that union ends, he or she experiences a baffling sense of loss of self–a loss of his or her very sense of being. Root redirects efforts for assisting children of divorce to first address this fundamental experience. This unique book examines the impact of divorce not only from a theological and spiritual perspective but also from a young person’s perspective. It will benefit those who have experienced divorce and those who minister to children of divorce.

Recently some survey found that adult children of divorce do not want to repeat what their parents have done and desires for enduring marriages. See more about in my other blog entry in Wedding Bells blog.

While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees. In 2008, 24% of women ages 40-44 with a master’s, doctoral or professional degree were childless, a decline from 31% in 1994. However, the most educated women still are among the most likely never to have had a child.

Over the past few decades, public attitude toward childlessness have become more accepting. Most adults disagree that people without children “lead empty lives” and children increasingly are seen as less central to a good marriage. 41% of adults said that children are very important for a successful marriage, a decline from 65% who said so in 1990.

Among women born in 1960, 17% in the U.S. were childless at approximately age 40, compared with 22% in the United Kingdom, 19% in Finland and the Netherlands, and 17% in Italy and Ireland. Rates ranged from 12% to 14% for Spain, Norway, Denmark, Belgium and Sweden, and from 7% to 11% for several Eastern European countries and Iceland.

Here are some highlights:

a) Marriage Rate: The state with the highest share of people who are currently married is Idaho, where 58 percent of men and 56 percent of women currently have a spouse. The District of Columbia has the lowest current marriage rate, at just 28 percent of men and 23 percent of women.

b) Divorces: Men in New York and New Jersey and women in North Dakota are least likely to be currently divorced. Nevada has the highest share of currently divorced men and women, at rates of 13 percent and 16 percent, respectively.

c) Divorce rates. The divorce rate — measured as the number of divorces within the previous 12 months per 1,000 women — tends to be higher in states where women marry young, as in Oklahoma and Idaho.

d) Education and income. Higher education levels are correlated with an older age at first marriage, and lower likelihood of being married three or more times. In states with lower income levels, men are more likely to have been married three or more times.

e) Religion. Pew Research Center did not find a strong correlation between a state’s religiosity — that is, the percentage of people who said religion was “very important” in their lives — and marriage or divorce patterns.

f) Marriage Age: In Arkansas and Oklahoma, men and women marry young — half of first-time brides in these states were age 24 or younger on their wedding day. These states also have above-average shares of women who divorced in 2007-2008. Massachusetts and New York residents marry late — half of ever-married New York men were older than age 30 when they first wed. These states also have below-average shares of men and women who divorced in 2007-2008.

Some interesting facts: The proportion of Americans who are currently married has been diminishing for decades and is lower than it has been in at least half a century. Currently it is only 52% of males and 48% of females (ages 15 and older). Arkansas has the highest married thrice or more population (1o%).

Also check out New York Times report on the research finding.

In the study, conducted Aug. 2009, and recently released, researchers Thom and Jess Rainer said the priority of family was mentioned most often by whites, the more educated, those who were married, and those who self-identified as Christian. Friendships are more important to younger Millennials, those with higher incomes, and singles.

“Millennials are committed to family above other priorities, even though many are waiting to start their own families,” Thom Rainer said. “Churches with a strong understanding and sense of family–as well as those that are able to cross generations, allowing older adults to reach younger adults–will be able to more easily reach Millennials.”

In a world of constant flux, dysfunctional societal trends and developmentally distancing themselves from adults, today young adults are leaning more on their families and valuing it even more than previous generations. Family will grow to be even more influential than peers or popular culture. We all must resolve to make our family experiences an enriching one for the young ones in our nest.

The study found that the most important factor in a child’s development is their parents’ background, including their ethnicity, education, social status, wealth and relationship history. Unstable relationship of the parents creates insecurity in the lives of children and deep seated fear about their future. The natural development of children born to cohabitating couples are permanently impaired.

Marriage is good for all – for the couple, children born to them, the society and the nation. Cohabiting couples tended to be less educated, younger, had a lower household income than married parents, and the quality and stability of their relationship also differed. The tidal wave to undermine marriage by live-in relationship will undermine western society as we know it – its values, prosperity and influence around the world.

At the slightest trouble (which is sure to happen in all relationships) a cohabitating couple is bound to go their seprate ways. Couples who committed to marraige are more likely to work harder through any problems for the benefit of each other and their children. Cohabitating folks only think about themselves all the time – ultimate narcissistic thinking of our modern times, while marriage causes to think about the other – living for the benefit of your spouse and children, which ultimately helps you realize your own needs.

Sure enough growing marital breakdown has kept young adults from pursuing marriage. When you have seen your older siblings and friends go through divorce, they are disillusioned about marriage. But my questions why are you looking to half of broken marriages, turn to the other half. See some thriving marriages and learn from them what is making those marriages go the distance. Ultimately it is about commitment, acquiring the skills and above all aligning yourself to divine blueprints of the maker of the marriage (God).

 The study found that preteens and teens spend an average of 7.5 hours on electronic devices daily, compared to 6 hours some five years ago. If you add the multitasking (talking on the phone and browsing Internet simultanesouly) it comes to 11 hours a day! They send and recieve hundreds of text messages everyday. Tweens (between ages 11 and 14) are the heaviest media users.

Very shocking indeed. Media consumption among teens have risen sharply in recent year. It has risen with more mobile and wireless gadgets like iPod, smartphones, Internet hotspots and utitlies like social networking. What I found very distrubing was that more than 7 in 10 youths have a TV in their bedroom, and about a third have a computer with Internet access in their bedroom. This is extremely dangerous. Without any adult supervision, kids are sure sure to get into trouble.

Parents are clueless about this growing trends and they do not what to do about it as well. When they were growing much of these were non-existent. It is hard for them to stay current on much of technology and are confused how to regulate technology or media use of their kids. We must communicate with the coming generations that life without electonics and Internet is possible and must be encouraged.

The boredom kids experience without these toys  is due to lack of imagination, requiring all kinds of stimuli to prevent them from losing interest in things, and even in life. The alternative to all this fiddling with cell phones is being alone with your own thoughts, which terrifies people used to the constant stimulation provided by our media-saturated culture.

Things are not going to get any easier in future. Parents must get into the game, not in becoming more adept at all those gadgets but talking with their kids about what they are doing. They must also explore potential dangers of some of the toy or utilities they use and set limits on media consumption. Every home must develop their household media policy, based on age of each children, media rules and sanctions when rules are broken. Parents must also model healthy media consumption and not allow unnecessary content to be dumped into our homes.

Lot more to do and know for the already exhausted, stressed out parents!

The story cited examples of how people discovered flirtuous relationship of their spouses over social networking sites. Someone even found that they are getting divorced by her husbands status update! Relationship status can be changed from “married” to with a click to “in relationship” or “open to relationship.” Facebook is not only about connecting, but also about disconnecting!

Facebook has not only helped dispersed people to reconnect with childhood friends and old colleagues, but also many married people to cheat. It has been extremely popular with teens and singles, because it has helped them to connect up and explore relationships. But now married couples to hooking up over Facebook. Divorce lawyers claim the explosion in popularity of social networking sites is tempting people to cheat.

 Of course, most of these marriages may already destined for failure and Facebook just becomes another excuse for why the relationship did not work. They are already frustrated with their spouses and online networking tools provided ways to look beyond their marriages easily and without guilt. Unhappily married couples are meeting their old girl/boy friends, who lend them a listening ears and a shoulder to cry over their pathetic life situations, and soon find themselves falling in love with each other. Social sites have become a perfect platform to wash dirty laundry.

Then there are many who stay in marriage, but initiate  extra marital relationships with old friends over Internet. They agree to stay in their respective marriages, but continue to maintain a secret online relationships. They even meet up and may in involved intimately, but for the sake of others stay with their spouse and kids. Annonymity and psuedo intimacy of the Internet is a boost to online extra marital affairs.

Suspicious spouses are logging on and using the same sites to find evidence of their mate’s flirting. Some even create fictitious names and profile to be included in friend’s list of your mate and then secretly keep track of their online posts and activities. Some apps are being developed to spy on your spouses online activities. What a strange world we are now living in!

What do you do to keep you from falterning in your marrige? Develop a discipline to establish personal standards of online life. Build virtual hedges to protect you marriage. No filters or tech tools can keep you from stumbling into these dangers. Nurture your own marriage and stay committed to it for life. Hold yourself accountabile to someone about your online activities.

No matter what you are doing through in your marriage, put the work needed and you are sure to enjoy rich returns. If you are struggling through something in your marriage, get help. Don’t sulk and think your problems will go away by itself. Don’t think you can run away from problems and find someone online to solve your marital issues. Your problems will come chasing after you.

A new school year is a time of stress for all families.  For kids, stress accompanies new classes, new teachers, new friends and new academic challenges. There’s even more stress for kids who are changing schools!  But, there is also stress for parents as we get our kids back into school year routines, and as we help our kids deal with their stress. 

As parents, our goal ought to be to intentionally work to keep the stress levels down in our homes.  Lowering the stress levels will not only help your family, but will also do a lot to make sure your kids experience a successful school year.  Here are some tips to help you along in the process:

A Peaceful Home Environment – Your kids don’t need a perfect home, but to thrive, they need a peaceful one.  Kids are at battle all day long at school. They battle peer pressure, body image, academic pressures, relational issues with peers, and some struggle with being bullied.  They need to come home to a place where they can retreat, drop their battle gear at the door and be in a shelter where they can just be themselves.  Your home ought to be the one place your kids feel truly safe, where they can be loved and known and cared for.

Safety Net Strong – Within your family, your kids find the important relational connections that will sustain them through the good times, as well as the bad.  Strained or broken family relationships affect other areas of your kids’ lives – like their school performance.  So, take the lead in your family to make sure your relationships become and stay healthy.  Start by evaluating whether or not you are currently “enjoying” or “annoying” your family… then make the changes necessary to strengthen those family ties.

Protect the Balance of Scheduling

Parents will help their kids have a successful school year by protecting a balanced lifestyle, in terms of scheduling.  Look at the big picture.  School, homework, athletics, hobbies, church activities all add up to a significant amount of your son’s or daughter’s time.  Help evaluate the effects that these various activities have on their lives.  Don’t be afraid to initiate a cutback in order to protect their most important involvements.  Help your kids to learn that no one can do everything!  Watch for emerging signs of stress.  If your kids are demonstrating stress, be sure to reevaluate their schedules.

Keep an Eye on Academics

There’s no doubt that your kids’ schoolwork is important!  It’s wise to take an active role in regularly checking on how your children are doing academically.  Don’t just look for the bottom line (grades), but keep an eye on whether or not they are learning disciplined study habits, if they are turning in assignments on time and what areas they might need additional help with.  Having said this, let me also say, as parents we need to maintain balance in this area!  Too many parents hover over their kids like helicopters, making sure every assignment is completed, on time and done correctly.  This actually serves to hinder our kids’ development toward independent adulthood.  Kids need to learn to become responsible in this area of their lives.  Many parents today wrap their own self-worth in how their kids are doing in school.  I’ve known parents who actually do their kids’ homework for them!  “Just say no” to this type of behavior!

More next week.

1. Set your own home Internet rules: As soon as your children begin to use the Internet on their own, it is a good idea to come up with a list of rules for using the Internet that everyone can agree on. These rules should include whether your children can use social Web sites and how they can use them.  Set curfew and penalties for breaking rules.
2. Ensure your kids follow age limits: The recommended age for signing up for social web sites is usually 13 and over. Do not allow younger children to use social media. It is important to remember that you cannot rely on the services themselves to keep your underage child from signing up. Limit sign up to one site per child.
3. Educate yourself about the site. Evaluate the sites that your child plans to use and make sure both you and your child understand the privacy policy and the code of conduct. Find out if the site monitors content that people post. Also, review your child’s page periodically. Parents can begin to use the same site as well and be friend with your own children!
4. Communicate with your children about their experiences. Encourage your children to tell you if something they encounter on one of these sites makes them feel anxious, uncomfortable or threatened. Stay calm and remind your kids they are not in trouble for bringing something to your attention. Let them know you will work with them to help resolve the situation for a positive outcome.
5. Avoid identifiable information in profile. Be careful when your children divulge information that could be used to identify them, such as address, telephone numbers, email id, their school mascots etc. Have your children use only their first names or a nickname, but not a nickname that would attract inappropriate attention.
6. Avoid Strangers. Encourage children to communicate with only people they have met in person. Insist that children never accept friend invitation from strangers or meet anyone in person whom they do not know and have met on the social site.
7. Be Smart about posting photographs/videos: Explain to your children that photographs can reveal a lot of personal information. Encourage your children not to post photographs of themselves or their friends with clearly identifiable details such as street signs, license plates on their cars, or the name of their school on their sweatshirts.
8. Warn children to express emotions online. Explain to your children that many of these words can be read by anyone with access to the Internet and that predators often search out emotionally vulnerable kids. Avoid posting poems or journal entries on the web.
9. Install filtering tools to keep away unwanted materials. Ward off porn, foul language and other obnoxious stuff reaching your children mailbox or posting walls. Ensure safety and privacy levels are set age appropriately. Also review setting on the operating system for allowable content on the computer.
10. Allow computer usage in a public place. Do not allow computers in children’s bedrooms or private study room. Home computer should be in public view and children are less likely to say or do things when they know others are around.

A new husband recently confided that his wife was a different person before they got married. I told him, “Guess what? You are probably not the person she thought you were, either!” Many new brides and grooms are shocked to discover that their spouses are not the person they married. They ask, “Why isn’t my husband/wife the person I thought he/she was?”

That beautiful angel you married turns out to be a real woman. She has flaws that weren’t previously apparent. You discover to your shock that she has the capacity to express a range of emotions not seen before. You hadn’t felt that hot edge of her temper nor the cold, steely glare she now feels free to display.

The man of your dreams that you married now turns out to be a real person too. He may not be as perfect as once thought. He may handle things in ways that you find inefficient, and isn’t interested in your suggestions about how to do them differently — even though, from your viewpoint, your ways are obviously superior. You might be wondering, “What happened to the guy I used to know? Did he change, or did I just see him differently then?”

Marriage changes everyone! We all are constantly changing as individuals. The Wedding is a major milestone in life that we look forward to. Reaching that landmark does not only change the way we see ourselves, but also changes how others view us thereafter. Whether you had known each other for years or met each other for the first time at the wedding ceremony, it is a life-changing incident for all.

Attraction between opposites before marriage can be repulsion thereafter. What was cute once can now be irritating. The talker is drawn to a listener, but now are having communication problems. What seemed like a match made in heaven has suddenly turned out to be a living hell.

Before the wedding, differences seem to be intriguing, interesting, and attractive. After the wedding, the same differences are annoying, frustrating and disheartening. A few months or years after the wedding, however, what seemed so inviting in the semi-fantasy world of pre-marriage now seems considerably less than idyllic.

The rose-colored glasses through which we saw each other before marriage, suddenly comes off once you are married. You simply cannot see each other in the same away ever again. Is this deception? Not quite. It’s more like ‘selective expression.’ He behaved in a way that he figured would increase your likelihood of saying, “yes.” He put his best foot and shiniest shoe forward.

All couples have a set of expectations of their mates and from the marriage. We tend to think that our partners never have any or assume that they perfectly match with each other. Building strong marriages requires more than mere feeling, but it takes real hardcore commitment. Marital adjustment is crucial in creating a new togetherness in marriage.

Families are in need everywhere. Broken relationships, hurting individuals and families, painful pasts, irreconcilable difference, breakdown in communication, absence of intimacy, and marital conflicts and violence are destroying families all around us. Families are in crisis!

There has been a sharp surge of family breakdown in our community in recent years. Divorce is growing at an alarming rate in our community and marital disharmony is common across cities and faith backgrounds. The lack of moral and spiritual values, changing gender roles, absence of adequate support systems in the adopted land, cultural differences, and poorer relational skills may be some of the causes of the fundamental breakdown of families in the Indian community.

Families are stretched beyond their limits. Even a few years ago, we could not foresee what was in store for families. Demands of modern lifestyles, urban living, travel, stresses of the corporate world, clashing worldviews, and economic downturns, have only made things worse for marriages and families.

The Asian Indian community in North America has done exceedingly well academically, professionally, and hence financially, but relationally we are bankrupt. Some of it is our own making and some of it is due to our cultural baggage. Some people get thrown into unpleasant circumstances, while most others are unaware of what is undermining their relationships.

No doubt problems are complex in nature and how we handle them is even more perplexing. We choose to ignore, neglect, overlook or out rightly deny that problems exist; but we intuitively know that things could be much better on the home front. We are driven by shame – ‘what others will think of me if they find out.’ We continue to endure or hope things will get better automatically over time. Wearing masks are not helpful; band-aid approaches or ‘this is what we used to do in India’ remedies are inadequate.

In spite of the tightly knit family structure and, long cherished, strong family culture among Indians, today’s families have come under attack. The casualties are obvious and there is no solution in sight! Neither Christians nor churches are exempt from these trends among families. Often it is worse amongst Christians than the rest of the world!

Family is the most fundamental unit of any community, church and nation. When family ties grow weak, the whole society grows weaker. The weaker the home, the weaker will be the environment where future generations grow up. It is no wonder why children go on to build weaker marriages as well. Sadly, dysfunctionality is passed on from generation to generation.

A community or a church is only as strong as the weakest family. It is like a chain. When pulled apart a chain will snap along the weakest link. Similarly, when modern pressures of life mount in any community, cracks begin to surface along the weak unit of family and the weakest of them will break up. Many families are breaking up every day in our community, not to mention the cracks that appear in many families and future generations.

A family is like a thread in the fabric of society. When one thread snaps in the fabric, there is a small hole in the fabric. When many threads snap in a fabric, we call it a tear and when a piece of fabric contains many tears, it becomes useless. Similarly, when many families begin to hurt and fall apart, a society creates a tear, and if the trend continues a society will eventually disintegrate. Our future is at stake.

So what should we do? How can we build strong and stable families, societies and a better world? We need to start with ourselves. Each one of us needs to strengthen our own family bond – renewing our commitment to our own families. Do whatever it takes to build your own families.

The next best thing you could do is to help a needy family. It could be an old friend, extended family, classmate, neighbor, or colleague. You do not need any professional education or licensing to encourage, pray for or provide basic guidance. Share what you have learned from your own marriage, point to some resources and others who could offer further help. By helping other families you help yourself. By helping others you learn about mistakes others are making and will try to avoid them in your own marriage; you will research resources in marital topics and read beneficial material; you and your spouse might discuss the issue at hand, all of which could help your own marriage greatly.

Teach your own children about family values and help them develop relational skills. If you are a Sunday school teacher, youth leader, lay leader or pastor, make it a point to prioritize family before ministry. Doing ministry at the cost of your family can be disastrous. Include family themes in your lesson plans, bible studies, and sermons. Do not get weighed down by pastoral care needs and try to escalate counseling cases to expert counselors. Organize family seminars and retreats for the church.

Among all the institutions around us (church, school, charity organizations, business, government, etc.), I believe the Church of Jesus Christ is most strategically placed to impact the institution of family more than any other. A family is the smallest church and stronger families make a strong church, which in turn determine our witness and impact on the world. It is time for both of these institutions to come together to strengthen each other and leave a lasting legacy of Kingdom values in the world.

(This article first appeared on Meeting Point Magazine in Jan 09. Earlier version of this article was posted on www.UrbanIndia.org as well).